Dealing with addiction within a family is a minefield. It’s easy to slip into patterns of behavior that, while well-intentioned, can actually hinder the recovery process. We’ve all heard stories of families “smoothing the way” for an addict, shielding them from the consequences of their actions for years. Even when the problems are undeniable, the instinct to protect a loved one from suffering can be incredibly strong.
Parenting an addicted child or indeed relating to an addicted family member of any age, is incredibly challenging. Excuses, misleading information, and difficult behavior are often par for the course. It’s a constant struggle to balance love and support with the need for accountability. They do need to face the consequences of their actions, but how do we help them do that without making things worse?
In my experience working with families facing addiction, the concept of “enabling” often goes unaddressed directly. Instead, families come seeking guidance on very practical matters: financial support, housing, covering up for the addict, protecting grandchildren, managing disruptions caused by substance use or gambling, and the ever-present question of rehab costs.
It’s understandable that they want concrete answers. But I’ve found that simply giving a “yes” or “no” to these questions isn’t helpful in the long run. Instead, I try to guide families towards a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play. Our conversations often revolve around these key principles:
- The Addiction Vortex: The very real risk of restructuring your entire life around the addiction, losing sight of your own values and goals in the process.
- The 3 Cs: A powerful reminder: You didn’t cause the addiction, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Both punishment and attempts to “rescue” the addict often prove ineffective.
- Influence, Not Control: You may not be able to control the addict’s choices, but you can influence the situation. Your responses can either help or hinder their progress towards recovery.
- Fulfilling Your Roles: Focus on fulfilling your roles to the best of your ability. Whether you’re a parent, sibling, friend, or partner, you have a right to define what that role means to you, recognising that the addict’s recovery is ultimately beyond your control.
- Balancing Multiple Roles: Remember that you are more than just someone connected to an addict. You are also a parent, spouse, employee, friend, and so on. How do you want to fulfil these roles?
- Values-Based Decisions: When these roles conflict (as they inevitably will), use your personal values and goals as a compass to navigate the best (or least detrimental) course of action.
- No One-Size-Fits-All: The “right” approach will vary depending on the individuals involved, the specific family dynamics, the roles you play, and the particular circumstances.
This framework doesn’t provide easy answers about finances or housing, but it does offer something far more valuable: a way to think critically about these complex issues. It helps families understand that expressing love and support doesn’t automatically equate to enabling. Being there for your loved one doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being or enable destructive behavior.
It’s crucial to remember: Compassion is not enabling. You can be supportive without being permissive. It’s a delicate balance, and it’s okay to ask for help in finding it.
